Two Salesman in a Bar

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

Two Men at a Bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

Three Tough Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuc* the cat."

Three Ducks in the Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fuc*ing day".

Three Balls

A man who was very depressed met his friend Jerry J., who was a very sharp thinker.
"What's the matter'" Jerry J. asked.
"I'm despondent. I can't adjust to the fact that I've got three balls."
"Three balls'" said sharp Jerry. "Kid, we can make a fortune together!"
"How?" asked the other fellow, brightening up.
"We'll go to the bar after bar and bet everybody around that between you and the bartender you've got five balls! It can't miss!"
"Let's go," said the man.
So they went into the first bar, and Jerry J. made friends with the strangers at the bar. Then he made the announcement: "I'll bet anybody in the place that between my friend here and the bartender they've got five balls."
Nearly everyone rushed forward to cover the bet.
Jerry looked at the bartender who was shaking his head.
"You don't mind being part of the wager, do you?" Jerry asked.
"Not at all," the bartender said. "I'm very impressed.
"How do you mean?" Jerry asked.
"Well, up to now I've never met a man with four balls. I've only got one."

The Bet Maker

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar.
The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"
The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."
The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"
The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."
The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."
After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"
The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.
With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!"
Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

The Best At

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The Beers are on me

Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fucking fortune....both of then were pregnant!"

Skills as a Hunter

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared," And shot with a .22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an axe!"

Six Inches from the Ground

A small balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.
The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cann't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his
WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't belive that you are
just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place
he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,
I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there
by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this
point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out,
'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"

"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.'
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the
closet and throw it across
the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear
him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide
under there either."

"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh
boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to
distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a
long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all
of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window
right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all
over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."

"No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy
starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at
my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss
you off?"

"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down,
and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Poor Guy

Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison cocktail I just mixed..."

Magic Bitter

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter is it?"
He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.
So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you've been drinking"

Loaded Gentlemen

The two loaded gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
"I've an idea." said one, "lesh have one more drink and then go find us shum girls,"
"Naw," replied the other. "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great ! " replied the idea man, " then lesh have one more drink and go up to your place,"

Huge Mascular Man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded,
whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

How to Get Out of Trouble

Two guys are sitting at the bar when one turns to the other and says, "Shit man, I'm in trouble. If my wife catches me drunk once more, I am in deep shit."
The other guy replies, "Don't worry about it. Have another drink and let me tell you the solution to your problems. This is what you do: first, have another drink. Second, when you get home, take off all your clothes, climb into bed and starting performing oral sex on your wife."
So the first guy has another drink and then stumbles home with this guys advice in mind.
When he gets home, he takes off all his clothes, climbs into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife. She is loving it! She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his hair and going nuts. After about fifteen minutes of this, he stops, gets out of bed and goes to take a shower.
As he enters the shower, his wife is exiting the bathroom. Stunned, the guy yelps out loud and says, "what the hell are you doing here?"
His wife replied, "Hush! You'll wake up my mother."

How Much Stronger

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

How Many Drinks does it Take

A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."

Hind Lick Maneuver

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, -That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help.
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller? Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With That he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, -Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works.-