Two Salesman in a Bar

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

Two Men at a Bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

Three Tough Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuc* the cat."

Three Ducks in the Bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fuc*ing day".

Three Balls

A man who was very depressed met his friend Jerry J., who was a very sharp thinker.
"What's the matter'" Jerry J. asked.
"I'm despondent. I can't adjust to the fact that I've got three balls."
"Three balls'" said sharp Jerry. "Kid, we can make a fortune together!"
"How?" asked the other fellow, brightening up.
"We'll go to the bar after bar and bet everybody around that between you and the bartender you've got five balls! It can't miss!"
"Let's go," said the man.
So they went into the first bar, and Jerry J. made friends with the strangers at the bar. Then he made the announcement: "I'll bet anybody in the place that between my friend here and the bartender they've got five balls."
Nearly everyone rushed forward to cover the bet.
Jerry looked at the bartender who was shaking his head.
"You don't mind being part of the wager, do you?" Jerry asked.
"Not at all," the bartender said. "I'm very impressed.
"How do you mean?" Jerry asked.
"Well, up to now I've never met a man with four balls. I've only got one."

The Bet Maker

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar.
The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"
The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."
The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"
The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."
The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."
After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"
The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.
With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!"
Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

The Best At

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The Beers are on me

Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fucking fortune....both of then were pregnant!"

Skills as a Hunter

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared," And shot with a .22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an axe!"

Six Inches from the Ground

A small balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.
The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cann't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his
WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't belive that you are
just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place
he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,
I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there
by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this
point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out,
'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"

"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.'
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the
closet and throw it across
the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear
him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide
under there either."

"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh
boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to
distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a
long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all
of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window
right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all
over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."

"No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy
starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at
my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss
you off?"

"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down,
and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Poor Guy

Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison cocktail I just mixed..."

Magic Bitter

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter is it?"
He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.
So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you've been drinking"

Loaded Gentlemen

The two loaded gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
"I've an idea." said one, "lesh have one more drink and then go find us shum girls,"
"Naw," replied the other. "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great ! " replied the idea man, " then lesh have one more drink and go up to your place,"

Huge Mascular Man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded,
whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

How to Get Out of Trouble

Two guys are sitting at the bar when one turns to the other and says, "Shit man, I'm in trouble. If my wife catches me drunk once more, I am in deep shit."
The other guy replies, "Don't worry about it. Have another drink and let me tell you the solution to your problems. This is what you do: first, have another drink. Second, when you get home, take off all your clothes, climb into bed and starting performing oral sex on your wife."
So the first guy has another drink and then stumbles home with this guys advice in mind.
When he gets home, he takes off all his clothes, climbs into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife. She is loving it! She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his hair and going nuts. After about fifteen minutes of this, he stops, gets out of bed and goes to take a shower.
As he enters the shower, his wife is exiting the bathroom. Stunned, the guy yelps out loud and says, "what the hell are you doing here?"
His wife replied, "Hush! You'll wake up my mother."

How Much Stronger

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

How Many Drinks does it Take

A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."

Hind Lick Maneuver

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, -That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help.
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller? Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With That he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, -Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works.-

First BlowJob

 A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other.
"Holy shit!" the bartender exclaims "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - what's the occasion!?!"
"My first blow job" the man announces quite plainly
"Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!"
"Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help

First Aid Trained

 "How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Farting Turn

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Fair Dinkum Mate

 A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "You can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep"

Everything's Big in Texas

 There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Equal Opportunity Bar

A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He sits down on a stool and puts the alligator on the bar. After calling the bartender over he asks, " Do you serve jews here?".
The bartender replies," Yes we do. This is an equal opportunity bar and I wish you would mind your manners "
To which the patron replies, "Good. I'll have a beer and my alligator here will have a nigger."

Embarrassing Situation

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Drunk Irishman

 An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Drunk in a Bathroom

 A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

Control Over Wives

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

Brain Pills

 A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."
The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.
"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"
"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

Bouncer Boyfriend

 A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!"
The embarrassed woman said, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you don't leave me alone I will go get him!"
"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!"
After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!"
"Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"
A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"
"Well... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in trouble!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up, gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves.
"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching for his ax handle.
"And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"
The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and continues to read his paper.
The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man.
"Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"

Boasting in the Bar

A Frenchman, an American and an Australian were in a bar.
The Frenchman says "My name's is Pierre, I come from Paris and I have a swimming pool so big that I need a motor boat to travel from one end to the other!"
The American says "My name's Chuck, I come from Dallas and I have a ranch so big that it takes me two days to drive around it !"
The Australian says "My names Bruce, I come from Sydney and I've got an 18" penis !"
The Frenchman and the American look at each other and then the Frenchman says "OK. OK. I lied. My pool is really just Olympic size." The American says "Yeah, well, I lied too. My ranch really isn't all that big."
The Australian says "Ok. I admit that I lied as well. I really come from Adelaide !"

Bar Challenge

 A man walks into a bar and notices a huge pot filled with money sitting in the corner. He asks the bartender about it and the bartender tells him it's the prize for a contest.
"You pay 5 bucks for a chance to win the pot, and to win it you have to do three things" says the bartender. "First, you have to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Second, there's a pit bull out back who has an abscessed tooth. You have to pull the bad tooth from his mouth. Last, you have to go upstairs to the bedroom. Up there is the owner's mother. She's 90 years old, and hasn't had an orgasm in 30 years If you can make her come, the money's yours."
The guy decides to try it and tosses his five bucks in the pot. He walks up to the bouncer and decks the monster with a single punch. Then he goes out back. Soon everyone in the bar hears growling, barking, and yelling, followed by whimpering sounds.
The fellow strolls back into the bar with his clothes ripped up, covered with scratches and bites. "That's two down!" he says. "Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

ATM Card

 One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."
One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Alligator Show

 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A Thief walks into the Bar

 Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.
About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"
The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"
The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"
The little guy says, "Stand real still!"

A Texan at Pub in Ireland

 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub

 A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"

YO MAMMA...8

 ==> SO UGLY,

when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

she made an onion cry.

when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . . . for a quote!

she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

she looks out the window and gets arrested!

even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Ted Danson wouldn't date her!

for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

she turned Medusa to stone!

people go as her for Halloween.

she scares the roaches away.

I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

she has to sneak up on a glass of water

YO MAMMA 7

 ==>

SO STUPID,

when it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

when it took her half an hour to make minute rice

when she threw a brick at the floor and missed

when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

when she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

when she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

when you have to dig for her IQ!

when she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

when she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

when she could trip over a cordless phone!

when she sold her car for gasoline money!

when she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

when she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

when she took a cup to see Juice.

when she asked you "What is the number for 911"

when she got stabbed in a shoot out.

when she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

when she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

when she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

when she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

when she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

when she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.

when she jumped out the window and went up.

when she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

when she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

when she couldn't read an audio book

when it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus

when it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg

when she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper

when she went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.

when she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's

when she called information to get the number for 911...

Yo MAMMA 6

==> SO FAT,

when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

when people jog around her for exercise

when she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

when she was in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world

when she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

when she got to iron her pants on the driveway

when she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

when she steps on a talking scale and it told her to get off!!!

when she fell in love and broke it.

when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

when she's got her own area code!

when she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

when her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

when I had to take a train to get on her good side!

when she wakes up in sections!

when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

when she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

when she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

when that her senior picture had to be aerial view!

when every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

when she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

when she got hit by a parked car!

when they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

when she has to buy two airline tickets.

when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up.

when she influences the tides.

when that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

when the animals at the zoo feed her.

when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

when she stands in two time zones.

when you have to grease the door frame and hold at winkie on the other side just to get her through.

when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

when that she can't tie her own shoes.

when she sets off car alarms when she runs.

when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!

when the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

when she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship

when to her, "light food" means under 4 tons

when she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!

when she was zoned for commercial development

Yo MAMMA 5

==> SO BALD,

• you can see what's on her mind
• that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

==> HOUSE SO SMALL,

• she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
• she has to go outside to change her mind.

Yo MAMMA 4

==> TEETH SO YELLOW,

• traffic slows down when she smiles!
• she spits butter!
• I can't believe its not butter

==> SO SKINNY,

• she has to wear a belt with spandex.
• she turned sideways and dissapeared.

Yo MAMMA 3

==> SO NASTY,

• she made Speed Stick slow down.
• she made Right Guard turn left.
• the fishery be paying her to leave
• she has to creep up on bathwater.
• she made Sure confused.
• Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
• she went swimming and now we have the dead sea

==>SO HAIRY,

• Bigfoot is taking her picture!
• she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
• she shaves with a weedwhacker

Yo MAMMA 2

==> SO DARK,

• she went to night school and was marked absent!
• that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
• she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep her from eating her fingers.
• they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the darkest heart of Africa"

==> SO SHORT,

• you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
• she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
• she can play handball on the curb.
• she does backflips under the bed.
• she models for trophys.
• she pole vaults with a toothpick
• she has to look down to look up

YO MAMMA!

==> SO OLD,

• I told her to act her own age, and she died.
• her social security number is 1!
• that when she was in school there was no history class.
• her birth certificate says expired on it.
• she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
• her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

==> SO POOR,

• she can't afford to pay attention!
• when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers
• when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
• she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
• your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
• her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
• she wave around a popsicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.
• burglars break in her house and leave money

Women's Lib

 At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Who's the Boss

 When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the ass hole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see.
They all conceded and made the ass hole boss. This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss.....
..........Just an ass hole.

Ways to be Annoying in a Drive Thru

 

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways that would embarrass the patrons inside.

Drive through backwards.

Belch your order.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

Walk through.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Repeat everything the order-taker says.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

One word: Flatulence!

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Viagra 1 liner

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Viagra Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

A guy left his Viagra tabled in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men?.... They come with just a "Viagra" more room.

Newsweek's' comments on the trade name Microsoft(r) "Let's see... "Micro" and "Soft." Needs Viagra!"

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.
The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have Viagra-free zones.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to come right up.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Q. What happens if you get the Viagra pill stuck in your throat?
A. You get a stiff neck.
Q. What do you get when you mix Viagra with rogaine?
A. Don King.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."
Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

Under the Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.

Turn Around

 A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. And my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

Trying to Lose Weight

 Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

The Vegetable Gardener

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Nudist Colony

 A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!"

Tarzan, Lord of the Apes

 Tarzan's swinging through the jungle, minding his own business, when he gets captured by a tribe of natives. They decide to perform a blood sacrifice to their god, Lorenadapeni, and chop his unit off.
He, amazingly, survives through the ordeal. But now he no longer feels befitting of the title, the Lord of the Apes. So he swings through the jungle to see his old friend the witch doctor.
"What can I do ?!?!?!?!?!"
The witch doctor says, "don't worry Tarzan, I have this spare elephant trunk. We'll have you fixed up good as new."
So the witch doctor attaches the trunk to Tarzan, and casts a spell.
Tarzan wakes up with typical male morning dilemma, "ALRIGHT!!!! ," he says, "I like it!!" Off he swings through the jungle.
Two weeks later he returns to the witch doctor, for his post surgical routine checkup. "How's it hanging? Does it work alright?" asks the witch doctor.
Tarzan replies "It works great except for one thing."
"What's that?" the doctor inquires.
"If I swing to low to the ground, it keeps reaching down, grabbing grass, and shoving it up my ass."

Stucked on the Floor

 A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her crotch has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets his neighbor.
Both pull like oxen but she just won't move. She's truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her." "Why?" asks the confused neighbor.
"So I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

Square Balls

 A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."

Sperm Named Stanley

 Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived with many thousands of other little sperm. But Stanley was different.
Everyday, he would limber himself up and exercise vigorously while the other sperms just sat around doing nothing.
One day, a fellow sperm came up to Stanley and asked, "Hey Stan, why do you keep working out like this?" To which Stanley replied, "You know Clyde, It only takes one sperm to get a female pregnant, and seeing how there's thousands of us, and only one egg, Well, when that special day comes, I'm gonna be that sperm!"
Not long afterwards, Stan and his friends felt the onrush of excitement as they prepared to be released to perform their great mission in life, and sure enough, at the moment of climax, there was Stanley, fit as a fiddle swimming way ahead of the pack!
Suddenly, Stanley turned around all of a sudden and started swimming back as fast as he could! As he passed the other fellas, Stanley screamed,
"IT'S A BLOWJOB! IT'S A BLOWJOB!!!"

Smuggling Sands

 A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "SAND!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand.
The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated.... "What have you there?" "Sand" "We want to examine." Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue.
Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything ..what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Plane Crash Survivor

 A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man.... your plane only went down yesterday !!"

Pig Toes

 In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Piano Down the Mine Shaft

 I once had a friend, John, who worked in the coal mines.
Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mineshaft and crushed John to death.
A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe:
It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."

One More and I'll Have... ****

 A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas haven't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Newspaper Ad

 A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

New York Bank Loan

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Music for the Porno Flick

 Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."

Mr. Gorsky

 This is a funny, but true story about Neil Armstrong:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

Message to the Moon

 About 1969 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.
Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men who are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Man in a hotel Lobby

 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Longest Cock

 Three guys were having an argument about who was better endowed. Finally to settle tha matter they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies.
"Pretty, good, huh?" said Mort , whose cock hung down all the way to the fifty-third floor.
"Hell, I can beat that", said Bill, whose cock was dangling past a window on the twenty-ninth floor.
They looked over at the third guy, who was looking over the edge, swaying back and forth, jumping from one foot to the other, and moving curiously about.
"What the hell are you doing, Thorn?", Bill asked.
"Dodging traffic."

It's Great Being a Woman

 We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.
We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions. ... and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We got off the Titanic first.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts and pool... and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing appropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.!!!!!!!!!!!
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

I Ain't Touching it

 Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

Holdup by a Midget

 A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump!"