Trying to Lose Weight

 Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

The Vegetable Gardener

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Nudist Colony

 A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!"

Tarzan, Lord of the Apes

 Tarzan's swinging through the jungle, minding his own business, when he gets captured by a tribe of natives. They decide to perform a blood sacrifice to their god, Lorenadapeni, and chop his unit off.
He, amazingly, survives through the ordeal. But now he no longer feels befitting of the title, the Lord of the Apes. So he swings through the jungle to see his old friend the witch doctor.
"What can I do ?!?!?!?!?!"
The witch doctor says, "don't worry Tarzan, I have this spare elephant trunk. We'll have you fixed up good as new."
So the witch doctor attaches the trunk to Tarzan, and casts a spell.
Tarzan wakes up with typical male morning dilemma, "ALRIGHT!!!! ," he says, "I like it!!" Off he swings through the jungle.
Two weeks later he returns to the witch doctor, for his post surgical routine checkup. "How's it hanging? Does it work alright?" asks the witch doctor.
Tarzan replies "It works great except for one thing."
"What's that?" the doctor inquires.
"If I swing to low to the ground, it keeps reaching down, grabbing grass, and shoving it up my ass."

Stucked on the Floor

 A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her crotch has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets his neighbor.
Both pull like oxen but she just won't move. She's truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her." "Why?" asks the confused neighbor.
"So I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

Square Balls

 A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."

Sperm Named Stanley

 Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived with many thousands of other little sperm. But Stanley was different.
Everyday, he would limber himself up and exercise vigorously while the other sperms just sat around doing nothing.
One day, a fellow sperm came up to Stanley and asked, "Hey Stan, why do you keep working out like this?" To which Stanley replied, "You know Clyde, It only takes one sperm to get a female pregnant, and seeing how there's thousands of us, and only one egg, Well, when that special day comes, I'm gonna be that sperm!"
Not long afterwards, Stan and his friends felt the onrush of excitement as they prepared to be released to perform their great mission in life, and sure enough, at the moment of climax, there was Stanley, fit as a fiddle swimming way ahead of the pack!
Suddenly, Stanley turned around all of a sudden and started swimming back as fast as he could! As he passed the other fellas, Stanley screamed,
"IT'S A BLOWJOB! IT'S A BLOWJOB!!!"

Smuggling Sands

 A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "SAND!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand.
The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated.... "What have you there?" "Sand" "We want to examine." Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue.
Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything ..what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Plane Crash Survivor

 A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man.... your plane only went down yesterday !!"

Pig Toes

 In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Piano Down the Mine Shaft

 I once had a friend, John, who worked in the coal mines.
Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mineshaft and crushed John to death.
A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe:
It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."

One More and I'll Have... ****

 A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas haven't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Newspaper Ad

 A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

New York Bank Loan

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Music for the Porno Flick

 Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."

Mr. Gorsky

 This is a funny, but true story about Neil Armstrong:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
NOTE: This is a confirmed true story.

Message to the Moon

 About 1969 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.
Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men who are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Man in a hotel Lobby

 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Longest Cock

 Three guys were having an argument about who was better endowed. Finally to settle tha matter they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies.
"Pretty, good, huh?" said Mort , whose cock hung down all the way to the fifty-third floor.
"Hell, I can beat that", said Bill, whose cock was dangling past a window on the twenty-ninth floor.
They looked over at the third guy, who was looking over the edge, swaying back and forth, jumping from one foot to the other, and moving curiously about.
"What the hell are you doing, Thorn?", Bill asked.
"Dodging traffic."

It's Great Being a Woman

 We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.
We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions. ... and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We got off the Titanic first.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts and pool... and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing appropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.!!!!!!!!!!!
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

I Ain't Touching it

 Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

Holdup by a Midget

 A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump!"

Hitler and his Chauffeur

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.
Four hours later, he comes stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.
Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."
Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"
To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

Glass Eye

 A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Fur Coat

 "That's real a beautiful fur coat," a friend remarked, "but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"
The women replied, "Why are you suddenly worried about my husband?"

Fat Man at the Health Club

 A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!"
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long time."
The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"
The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?"