Talking Parrot II

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?", she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him anyway," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.
The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."
Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. After a while the President entered the living quarters.
The parrot said, "Hi Bill."

Hillary Gets Pregnant

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@?!#$%@?*& GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"

Clinton's Out Jogging

President Clinton went on his usual morning jog when he kept noticing a prostitute standing on the same corner every day.
"Hey, there! How much?" he yells. She replies, "$100!"
"But I never carry more than $20 on me at a time," said the president.
"Sorry, honey," the whore replied.
The next day he goes jogging again and again she is standing on the same corner.
"Hey, there, how much today?" the president asks. "I told you $100!"
The president moved on.
The next day Hillary wanted to lose some flab on those fat thighs so she went along. As they came up on that same corner, the president noticed that the whore was there again and quickly turned his head towards Hillary to try to ignore her.
The whore sees our president and yells, "Hey, you cheap bastard. See what you get for $20."

Clinton's Name in Snow

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.
Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's hand writing".

Clinton in State Dinner

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner, when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse, until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Clinton in Hell

Clinton dies and goes to hell...
The Devil being amused by Clinton and all he's done up here, decides to give him a break.
"Just for you, cuz I've had so much pleasure in watching all your wrong doings. I am going to let you decide where you would like to spend your eternal life, you'll have a choice of three doors to peek in to, what ever door you chose, that will be your 'new home' FOREVER.
Clinton thanks the Devil for his kindness and the proceed down the hall until they come upon the first door.
They peek in... Charles Manson is tied to a stake burning to death. "N..N.. No way" says Clinton.
They approach the second door. Clinton's lawyer is tied up ready to be drawn and quartered, "Bastard" says Clinton "He deserves it... but this is still not for me" "Ok" says the Devil.
They finally reach the third door, the Devil opens it, much to Clinton's surprise he sees Ken Starr shackled to the wall and Monica is kneeling down in front of him doing what she does best. "Ohhh hellllll...... yes!!!!!" says Clinton "This is definitely where I want to be!!!"
"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the Devil, "Once you go through there's no turning back". "I am sure?" replies Clinton. "Well... of course I'm sure... in fact I'm looking forward to it... you know you're not such a bad guy after all", says Clinton beaming with pleasure, patting the Devil on the back.
So they proceed through the door, Clinton starts to unbutton his pants, the Devil walks over to Monica and kicks her to one side. "Get up" he commands "Your replacement is here!!"

Clinton in a French Restaurant

Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Mexican President Ernesto Zedilo and American President Bill Clinton are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks, "Le cafe"?
All of them answer, "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedilo, "Le tequila?"
Zedilo answers, "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin, "Le vodka?"
Yelstin answers, "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, "Le whiskey?"
Clinton answers, "PLEASE, DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!"

Box Under the Bed

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Bill Clinton's Clock

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged"
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock"
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.

Thumping Sound

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mum says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Bill and Jerry

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".

Two Young Brothers

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it!!!"

Two Brothers

There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room.
One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing. "When we go downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm gonna say 'hell' and you can say 'ass'."
The four-year-old agreed. They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do want for breakfast?"
"Aw hell", the seven-year old said, "I'll just take some Cheerios."
The mother promptly slapped him and sent him to his room.
At this point, the four-year-old was getting intimidated, "And what do you want?" the mother asked.
"I don't know," the younger one said, "but you can bet your ass it's not going to be Cheerios."

Twelve Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?"
The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."

The Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow... it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared... her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"
By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold

Stupid Kid

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Son and Dad Letters

 

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Obese Lady

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

Need a Lantern

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

Lost Dad

A little lad was lost in a vast crowd at the football stadium,
A policeman saw him crying and asked him what was wrong. "I've lost my dad" he whined, the policeman looked about.
Then said to the boy, "what's he like"
The lad replied "Beer and women"

Little Leprechaun

A little boy was in the school's bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
The teacher couldn't get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Again came the reply, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said, "Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the shit out of him!"

Like Father, Like Son

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Letter to GOD

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Learning ABC

The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"

Lawyer in the Cemetery

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Got Teeth Down There

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HECK NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.
"Oh for the love of!!!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

I know the Whole Truth

At school a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

Homework

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying.
Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they do learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come down and talk to me."

Wishing upon an angel

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about Angels.
"ANGELS? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment an angel's voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, " What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, the Angel responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"
The angel replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

First Sex

Futh pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Futh recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

Class Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Cider for Pain

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

Cab Driver

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City when the daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street corner. "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

Beauty Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A Boy and his Baby Sister

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

7 Year old getting Married

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".
Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."
Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." <pauses to think> "That should be more than enough!"
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Two Blonde in a Bank Robbery

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Jody plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Jody drives up to the front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "Are you absolutely sure you understand the plan? You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Understand?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes into the bank while Jody waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Jody is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe into the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Jody says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did...I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Jody. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Transferred Blonde Staff

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah.
The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."
The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

The $50 Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Tax on Condom

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blond, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

Scaring the Kid

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Personal Pizza

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.
When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.
The blonde thought a bit and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."

Painting Blonde

This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat.
He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was.
He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room.
He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said,
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

NASA Experiment

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead that were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.
In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
They also said, "thank you", and that they would get back to her.
Next the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question that they asked the brunette and the redhead.
"What planet would you like to go to?"
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night."

Head & Shoulders

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Final Examination

The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"

Capital

There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. The redhead and the brunette were always making fun of the blonde saying how dumb she was.
So, the blonde decided to prove the other two wrong by learning the capitals of every country in the world.
The next time they were together, the redhead and the brunette started to make fun of the blonde, who then told them that she knew the capitals of every country in the world.
The redhead said "Oh yeah, what's the capital of England?" The blonde replied "E".

Breath in Breath out

Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones.
The stylist said, 'You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut your hair!'
The blonde said, 'No! I can't! I'll just DIE without them!'
So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she fell asleep, the stylist said to herself, 'I'll just take these off her to cut her hair. She won't notice.' So the stylist did just that.
After about 3 minutes, the blond fell out of the chair, dead.
The stylist said, 'I wonder what could have possibly killed her?! Maybe it had something to do with the headphones.'
She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to see what was playing.
The headphones where repeating, 'Breath in, Breath out.'

Blonde on a Diet

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.

Blonde in Ocean of Wheat

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."

Blonde in a Soda Machine

One day a blonde goes up to a soda machine. She puts in some money and a soda comes out.
She gets really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the sodas came out.
Someone walked up to her and asked her if they could get a soda.
The blonde said, 'Get out of my face, I'm winning!

Blonde in a Lumber Yard

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Blonde in a Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Blonde in a Boeing

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

An Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A Blonde's New Job

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Wife's Photograph

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Wife runs away with Best Friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?" I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"

When does the Bar Open?

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Weird Family

A regular customer walked into a gay bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock," the man confessed. "I just found out my brother's a queer." "Could be worse," the bartender pointed out. "Yeah, I suppose you're right...but my other brother's gay, too." The bartender raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't anyone in your family go for women?" "Yeah...my sister." A different version of the above... A customer walked into a bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock", the man confessed, "I just found out my brother's a queer"
The next day the same man walked in and ordered three martinis in a row. "What's wrong today?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, I just found out my son was gay!"
The third day, he came in and once again, ordered three martinis "Jeez doesn't anyone in your family like women?", asked the bartender "Yeah", replied the man, "my wife!"

Warm Beer

 
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business" and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: "there is your fucking change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"