Thumping Sound

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mum says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Bill and Jerry

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".

Two Young Brothers

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it!!!"

Two Brothers

There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room.
One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing. "When we go downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm gonna say 'hell' and you can say 'ass'."
The four-year-old agreed. They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do want for breakfast?"
"Aw hell", the seven-year old said, "I'll just take some Cheerios."
The mother promptly slapped him and sent him to his room.
At this point, the four-year-old was getting intimidated, "And what do you want?" the mother asked.
"I don't know," the younger one said, "but you can bet your ass it's not going to be Cheerios."

Twelve Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?"
The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."

The Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow... it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared... her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"
By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold

Stupid Kid

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Son and Dad Letters

 

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Obese Lady

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"