Talking Parrot II

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?", she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him anyway," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.
The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."
Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. After a while the President entered the living quarters.
The parrot said, "Hi Bill."

Hillary Gets Pregnant

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@?!#$%@?*& GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"

Clinton's Out Jogging

President Clinton went on his usual morning jog when he kept noticing a prostitute standing on the same corner every day.
"Hey, there! How much?" he yells. She replies, "$100!"
"But I never carry more than $20 on me at a time," said the president.
"Sorry, honey," the whore replied.
The next day he goes jogging again and again she is standing on the same corner.
"Hey, there, how much today?" the president asks. "I told you $100!"
The president moved on.
The next day Hillary wanted to lose some flab on those fat thighs so she went along. As they came up on that same corner, the president noticed that the whore was there again and quickly turned his head towards Hillary to try to ignore her.
The whore sees our president and yells, "Hey, you cheap bastard. See what you get for $20."

Clinton's Name in Snow

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.
Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's hand writing".

Clinton in State Dinner

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner, when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse, until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Clinton in Hell

Clinton dies and goes to hell...
The Devil being amused by Clinton and all he's done up here, decides to give him a break.
"Just for you, cuz I've had so much pleasure in watching all your wrong doings. I am going to let you decide where you would like to spend your eternal life, you'll have a choice of three doors to peek in to, what ever door you chose, that will be your 'new home' FOREVER.
Clinton thanks the Devil for his kindness and the proceed down the hall until they come upon the first door.
They peek in... Charles Manson is tied to a stake burning to death. "N..N.. No way" says Clinton.
They approach the second door. Clinton's lawyer is tied up ready to be drawn and quartered, "Bastard" says Clinton "He deserves it... but this is still not for me" "Ok" says the Devil.
They finally reach the third door, the Devil opens it, much to Clinton's surprise he sees Ken Starr shackled to the wall and Monica is kneeling down in front of him doing what she does best. "Ohhh hellllll...... yes!!!!!" says Clinton "This is definitely where I want to be!!!"
"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the Devil, "Once you go through there's no turning back". "I am sure?" replies Clinton. "Well... of course I'm sure... in fact I'm looking forward to it... you know you're not such a bad guy after all", says Clinton beaming with pleasure, patting the Devil on the back.
So they proceed through the door, Clinton starts to unbutton his pants, the Devil walks over to Monica and kicks her to one side. "Get up" he commands "Your replacement is here!!"

Clinton in a French Restaurant

Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Mexican President Ernesto Zedilo and American President Bill Clinton are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks, "Le cafe"?
All of them answer, "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedilo, "Le tequila?"
Zedilo answers, "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin, "Le vodka?"
Yelstin answers, "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, "Le whiskey?"
Clinton answers, "PLEASE, DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!"

Box Under the Bed

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Bill Clinton's Clock

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged"
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock"
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.

Thumping Sound

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mum says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"