Wife's Photograph

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Fur Coat

 "That's real a beautiful fur coat," a friend remarked, "but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"
The women replied, "Why are you suddenly worried about my husband?"

Fairly Quiet

 A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:
"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"
"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."
"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."
"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."
"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"
"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."
"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"
"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."
"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"
"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."
"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"
"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."
"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"
"They were there for the wake, sir."
"The wake?!? Whose wake?"
"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."
"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"
"It must have been the shock, sir."
"The shock."
"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Diary of a Mad Viagra Housewife

 Dear Diary:
DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2: Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something there than his mood.)
DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
DAY 11: The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
DAY 12: I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
DAY 13: I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
DAY 14: Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
DAY 15: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Sister Wendy revs his motor.
DAY 16: I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

Bubba, the Kid from the Neighborhood

 One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"