Two Blonde in a Bank Robbery

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Jody plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Jody drives up to the front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "Are you absolutely sure you understand the plan? You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Understand?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes into the bank while Jody waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Jody is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe into the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Jody says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did...I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Jody. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Transferred Blonde Staff

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah.
The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."
The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

The $50 Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Tax on Condom

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blond, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

Scaring the Kid

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Personal Pizza

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.
When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.
The blonde thought a bit and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."

Painting Blonde

This blonde was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart. One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat.
He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was.
He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room.
He then asked why she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said,
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

NASA Experiment

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead that were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.
In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
They also said, "thank you", and that they would get back to her.
Next the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question that they asked the brunette and the redhead.
"What planet would you like to go to?"
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night."

Final Examination

The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"

Capital

There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. The redhead and the brunette were always making fun of the blonde saying how dumb she was.
So, the blonde decided to prove the other two wrong by learning the capitals of every country in the world.
The next time they were together, the redhead and the brunette started to make fun of the blonde, who then told them that she knew the capitals of every country in the world.
The redhead said "Oh yeah, what's the capital of England?" The blonde replied "E".

Breath in Breath out

Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones.
The stylist said, 'You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut your hair!'
The blonde said, 'No! I can't! I'll just DIE without them!'
So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she fell asleep, the stylist said to herself, 'I'll just take these off her to cut her hair. She won't notice.' So the stylist did just that.
After about 3 minutes, the blond fell out of the chair, dead.
The stylist said, 'I wonder what could have possibly killed her?! Maybe it had something to do with the headphones.'
She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to see what was playing.
The headphones where repeating, 'Breath in, Breath out.'

Blonde on a Diet

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.

Blonde in Ocean of Wheat

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."

Blonde in a Soda Machine

One day a blonde goes up to a soda machine. She puts in some money and a soda comes out.
She gets really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the sodas came out.
Someone walked up to her and asked her if they could get a soda.
The blonde said, 'Get out of my face, I'm winning!

Blonde in a Lumber Yard

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Blonde in a Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Blonde in a Boeing

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

An Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A Blonde's New Job

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"
The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Two Salesman in a Bar

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"