Technology for Country Folk

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?"
"No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.
"No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again"
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

Learn Chinese for Free

English phrase	Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive?	Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.	Kum Hia Nao
Stupid	ManDum Gai
Small Horse	Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!	No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach?	Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table	Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift	Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here	Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?	Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.	Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet	Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone	No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?	Wai Yu Sing Dum=20
You are not very bright	Yu So Dum
I got this for free	Ai No Pei
I am not guilty	Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.	Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week	Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived	Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight	Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile	Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive	Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!	Hu Flung Dung?

Hacking througt the Jargon Jungle

 When I went to college in the 1970's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked with computers for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

ALPHA: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

BETA: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 386, a ferret if it's a 486 and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium.

DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear.

ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

FILE: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

HARDWARE: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts...the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

REFERENCE MANUAL: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

USER-FRIENDLY: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

USERS: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

NOVICE USERS. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
INTERMEDIATE USERS. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
EXPERT USERS. People who break other people's computers.