YO MAMMA...8

 ==> SO UGLY,

when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

she made an onion cry.

when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . . . for a quote!

she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

she looks out the window and gets arrested!

even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Ted Danson wouldn't date her!

for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

she turned Medusa to stone!

people go as her for Halloween.

she scares the roaches away.

I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

she has to sneak up on a glass of water

YO MAMMA 7

 ==>

SO STUPID,

when it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

when it took her half an hour to make minute rice

when she threw a brick at the floor and missed

when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

when she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

when she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

when you have to dig for her IQ!

when she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

when she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

when she could trip over a cordless phone!

when she sold her car for gasoline money!

when she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

when she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

when she took a cup to see Juice.

when she asked you "What is the number for 911"

when she got stabbed in a shoot out.

when she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

when she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

when she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

when she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

when she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

when she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.

when she jumped out the window and went up.

when she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

when she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

when she couldn't read an audio book

when it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus

when it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg

when she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper

when she went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.

when she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's

when she called information to get the number for 911...

Yo MAMMA 6

==> SO FAT,

when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

when people jog around her for exercise

when she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

when she was in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world

when she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

when she got to iron her pants on the driveway

when she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

when she steps on a talking scale and it told her to get off!!!

when she fell in love and broke it.

when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

when she's got her own area code!

when she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

when her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

when I had to take a train to get on her good side!

when she wakes up in sections!

when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

when she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

when she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

when that her senior picture had to be aerial view!

when every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

when she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

when she got hit by a parked car!

when they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

when she has to buy two airline tickets.

when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up.

when she influences the tides.

when that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

when the animals at the zoo feed her.

when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

when she stands in two time zones.

when you have to grease the door frame and hold at winkie on the other side just to get her through.

when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

when that she can't tie her own shoes.

when she sets off car alarms when she runs.

when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!

when the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

when she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship

when to her, "light food" means under 4 tons

when she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!

when she was zoned for commercial development

Yo MAMMA 5

==> SO BALD,

• you can see what's on her mind
• that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

==> HOUSE SO SMALL,

• she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
• she has to go outside to change her mind.

Yo MAMMA 4

==> TEETH SO YELLOW,

• traffic slows down when she smiles!
• she spits butter!
• I can't believe its not butter

==> SO SKINNY,

• she has to wear a belt with spandex.
• she turned sideways and dissapeared.

Yo MAMMA 3

==> SO NASTY,

• she made Speed Stick slow down.
• she made Right Guard turn left.
• the fishery be paying her to leave
• she has to creep up on bathwater.
• she made Sure confused.
• Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
• she went swimming and now we have the dead sea

==>SO HAIRY,

• Bigfoot is taking her picture!
• she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
• she shaves with a weedwhacker

Yo MAMMA 2

==> SO DARK,

• she went to night school and was marked absent!
• that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
• she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep her from eating her fingers.
• they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the darkest heart of Africa"

==> SO SHORT,

• you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
• she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
• she can play handball on the curb.
• she does backflips under the bed.
• she models for trophys.
• she pole vaults with a toothpick
• she has to look down to look up

YO MAMMA!

==> SO OLD,

• I told her to act her own age, and she died.
• her social security number is 1!
• that when she was in school there was no history class.
• her birth certificate says expired on it.
• she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
• her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

==> SO POOR,

• she can't afford to pay attention!
• when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers
• when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
• she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
• your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
• her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
• she wave around a popsicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.
• burglars break in her house and leave money

Women's Lib

 At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Who's the Boss

 When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the ass hole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see.
They all conceded and made the ass hole boss. This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss.....
..........Just an ass hole.

Ways to be Annoying in a Drive Thru

 

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways that would embarrass the patrons inside.

Drive through backwards.

Belch your order.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

Walk through.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Repeat everything the order-taker says.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

One word: Flatulence!

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Viagra 1 liner

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Viagra Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

A guy left his Viagra tabled in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men?.... They come with just a "Viagra" more room.

Newsweek's' comments on the trade name Microsoft(r) "Let's see... "Micro" and "Soft." Needs Viagra!"

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.
The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have Viagra-free zones.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to come right up.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Q. What happens if you get the Viagra pill stuck in your throat?
A. You get a stiff neck.
Q. What do you get when you mix Viagra with rogaine?
A. Don King.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."
Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

Under the Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.

Turn Around

 A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. And my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"